The past few weeks I've found myself sad more often than not and crying more than a normal person should. If you know me you know that's not like me. It can be quite disturbing to have this kind of feelings on a daily basis. I've known all along why and what's bothering me but I haven't voiced it to anyone and that hasn't helped either. I kept willing it away but it wouldn't budge. I finally came out with it last night to Casey and I feel so much better, why I didn't do it weeks ago I don't know. It's not like the issue is fixed or resolved but having him in my corner and working together to figure it out is much more peaceful then going at it by myself.
So what's wrong? Well I don't know if it's the fact that my baby just turned 1 and this year has flown by or if it's realizing how precious every minute spent with her is but I am sad that I am a working mom. I am sad that I don't get to spend every day with her and watch her flourish and grow and learn new things. No I get told by the person staying with her what new thing she has done. I put on a smile and say oh yeah? But it hurts so bad to not have been the one to witness it first hand.
She starts a new day care on Monday which I think will be really good for her to be around other kids and learn new things but there's not a part of me that wouldn't give anything to be at home with her. I find myself very envious of the moms who do get to stay at home. And when you start comparing yourself to others, or wishing for something that you don't have without getting help from your spouse and the Word of God, it goes unchecked, well those negative and wishful thoughts ensue your mind and I found myself no longer thankful for what I did have. That can be a very scary thought as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So what's wrong? Well I don't know if it's the fact that my baby just turned 1 and this year has flown by or if it's realizing how precious every minute spent with her is but I am sad that I am a working mom. I am sad that I don't get to spend every day with her and watch her flourish and grow and learn new things. No I get told by the person staying with her what new thing she has done. I put on a smile and say oh yeah? But it hurts so bad to not have been the one to witness it first hand.
She starts a new day care on Monday which I think will be really good for her to be around other kids and learn new things but there's not a part of me that wouldn't give anything to be at home with her. I find myself very envious of the moms who do get to stay at home. And when you start comparing yourself to others, or wishing for something that you don't have without getting help from your spouse and the Word of God, it goes unchecked, well those negative and wishful thoughts ensue your mind and I found myself no longer thankful for what I did have. That can be a very scary thought as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I came across this verse yesterday after talking things over with Casey. I realize that I stopped trusting that God had a plan for us and would take care of my heart and desires of being a mom there for CM all while I work. In the meantime, Casey is more aware of how much I need and want to stay at home and together we can work on coming up with a solution. So I see very clearly that when thoughts arise to take it immediately to my husband and to my God and I'll get results a lot quicker.
So yes I'm still having to work right now but we have changed up the budget and spending to accomodate the idea of me staying at home. It will mean a lot of sacrafices, no new shoes, new clothes, no vacations, etc until Casey graduates but I think it would be worth every bit of sacrafice we can make. She is so worth it.
So today I feel much better, all thanks to God and Casey.
